had a horrible nightmare yesterday night. and i thought sleeping early would help..
i dreamt that i was in.. the mountains. at night. alone. it was dark everywhere and right in front of me was just white snow, no trees, no nothing. it was so freaking, scary. i'm sorry my inferior descriptive abilities can't paint the picture, but there was only despair in the nightmare. i just kept walking on and on with no knowledge on where to go, no food, no nothing. one of the most scary nightmares ever.

then after a while i woke up. phew.

ah well, cheered up more in school today, thanks to my randomly funny classmates.

it's ten.
i hope i can sleep the angst off.

this post will be full of angst. and thus, swear words. so, don't blame me for any shock, any... losses?(what, parents look over your shoulder and see a flood of vulgarities) and any change in your mood.
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first day of school. hell, everyone hates it. so.

and we're getting back our exam papers.

geography was. pathetic. but still okay.
math was shit. seven marks careless.
science was... mediocre.
chinese. was. so bloody fucked up.

geog.. it was really stupid. days before the exam, i actually bothered to mug, like.. i don't know, really. come back home straight away mug till night, so it's around.. four hours? plus minus.(all subjects)

memorising statistics, revising concepts, looking through old papers to avoid mistakes, memorising essay structures, comparing to model essays, etc. spammage of mindmaps.(around like, five pages worth) and then 28.5/40. this, is shit. average is higher. essay 11/15 and paper 17.5/25.
for essay, i just can't freaking understand, why certain.. concepts, reason consequence have to be so elaborately explained. i mean, sometimes it's redundant to overelaborate and so i jsut shorten it. and thus, there's the carrot in between the sentence and a question mark. like what the fuck do you want, retarded examiner i write mroe you say overelaboration you say it's like notes I CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE YOU DUMBASS unless you're underestimating the whole singapore population to not be able to understand MODUS PONENS, IF P, THEN Q. P. THEREFORE Q. THEN WHY THE FUCK MUST I ELABORATE FURTHER? all i see is red lines streaming across underlining my sentences.
forgive me for being so very blunt.
no, really.
hell. fine, partially it's my fault. statistics just went out of my head and.. it's just so frustrating. that you can't do a thing about it. that.. helplessness.

moving on.

math.
seven marks careless.
i was rushing for time, and so yeah.
sigh.
math teacher said it was a hard paper anyway.

science.
nothing much. just forgot some part of the concept. just.. could've done better. (kawin got full marks. for science.)

chinese.
i.. really won't post my results here.but i passed. if you wanna know just message me or ask me personally.
oh, i got lowest in class. when my chinese standard isn't. i'm like, below average but... lowest? that's so darn.. screwed.

i did spend alot of time studying chinese, it being my worst subject. memorising ci yu, cheng yu, stuffs. and yet i minused four marks. fuck. it really puts me off the way i study and i not get it right. it's just memorising. and yet it didn't come out. yeah i think you'd understand.
then i just flunked the rest la.
i'm too tired to explain how and why. but reasons are stupid.

and with these fucked up results it absolutely ruined my day. the angst is so much that my brain was really tired. and it is now, too.

i've realised i can find a thing i hate about every fucking single thing, object, being on this planet.

i've realised that when i was in that state, not a positive thought came out. for the whole of school. like, hell i tried to smile and laugh but after a while i just couldn't be bothered. fake smiles will do.

i don't know about you, but when i'm really, really, upset and angry, if you took a little peek in my mind, i'm sure you'd die.

die, you fucking spider in the boys toilet.
die, you damn ant who keeps tickling my legs.
die, the plant which i never fail to brush past and leave me with some itches.
die, shitty good-for-nothing mosquito.
die, stupid pillar which i crashed into headfirst accidentally.
die, fucking heavy bag.
die, retarded uncle who blocked my way on the escalator although i said "excuse me" loudly and made me miss the freaking train. i hate that feeling of almost grasping something but letting it slip away.

just die.


and the shit thing is, i can't dispense all the hate and angst, cuz if i do, it won't be good, i'd just end up with more. and thus i have to just ignore it. which pisses me off more. which doesn't make sense. you don't either. the teacher doesn't either. the goddamn school doesn't either. life, doesn't make sense either.

i don't know why i wrote this blog post, but if you're reading this then you'll probably think that i'm going insane.

well i'm not, you fool. i exercise self control unlike some insensitive bastards in my class who pms and get into fights over nothing and end up getting the whole fucked up class in trouble.

fools.

i wish i could highlight all that i've written, all the angst in my brain, and click "Delete".
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and again, forgive my bluntness.

i kinda tried to follow that schedule, but i decided it wasn't fair for me to chiong like a madman for a few days. balance is the key.

so i spent around two hours on geography pt/research/history research and later i dota-ed a while. around two games. less than two hours.

today.. i spent a long long time to read jodi picoult's "house rules". i'm not done yet, but it can be seen that the book isn't really my favourite type, like thrillers and stuff. it's really sentimental though. hard to explain here anyway.

currently, and the two days before, i've had a sorethroat and freaking bad headache.

yet i went to training and went to tutor my student.

why do i even bother, really..

i feel so.. deprived. not that i am, but -shrugs- jealousy. i can't help it, really. come to think of it, jealousy isn't a bad thing. it's just the feeling of you wanting to have what someone else has.

ah well.

i'm going to get started on my geography project tomorrow, and kickstart something in the history research area. english poetry can be left neglected till later. i need to find ERP books. i need to read'em too. plus, the RE report writing and data analysis needs writing.
hmm.
oh yes, and to finish writing my f---king chinese articles.
this, is a freaking promise (which i will at least try to hold) that for the coming week, i shall spend lots of time doing the above. and no, f***king dota that has been taking up all my damn time cuz i'm addicted to it.

no more dota.

to hell with those cool jukes and ownages.

seriously, alvin. wake up.

those heroes are purely fictional, and why bother choosing them, when you yourself are the main character.

agenda for tomorrow :
wake up
chinese tuition
lunch@parkway (alone, as usual)
go give IQ tuition at tanah merah
head home
5.30pm, reach home.
do my geography part, call up groupmates, try to get something done.
8pm dinner.
hell, that's two and a half hours worth of time which i usually waste away. i won't do that tomorrow.
9pm, history research/ other work
10pm read chinese ERP, draw mindmap
12am. sleeeep.

i don't know why i'm suddenly going to be all focused and stuff, but i'm not going to chiong everythign last minute and not enjoy my holidays like i did last time.
so i'm going to go to hell for a few days, and then come out and i don't know, read? write. maybe an outing?
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hey, go youtube and search "equals three" it's a channel by raywilliamjohnson where he picks some funny popular videos and talk about them and make hilarious jokes. seriously, i absolutely recommend it. just watch one whole episode and you'll be hooked! crude language tho.
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oh well.

hope all turns out well.

no dota, at all, tomorrow.

in flight-

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it wasn't easy.
i tripped over myself,
rolling in ground so muddy.
feathers were lost-
but you helped me up,
and i helped you up.

we continued to fight,
side by side.
while we held each other's wings tight.
we'll fly towards the sunset
dying down the horizon
together we would, we said,
together we'd fly, we promised.

the grass had grown
it was finally time for us,
to explore the skies we would own
time finally allowed
the flower to bloom,
and our wings to spread.

our soles felt cool
and our wings still held tightly together
gliding on the wind's pull
what's the feeling?
swoosh, wooosh
this little leaf swirling around,
freedom at last.

we went higher, higher
the sky's ours now, i said
nope, not yet, you said.
as we soared,
our wings slowly loosened
tension eased, fears disappeared
and to the curious clouds we sought.

suddenly the thunder boomed
the angry airs hit me like a brick
as i spiralled downwards,
like a
stop.. wait for me, i cried
when you turned back to look at me,
your eyes.
the smirk.
threw me aback even before
you let go of my hand.

then you shot up higher
amidst the mist,
the rain grew heavier
i couldn't catch up.
was it tears of raindrops?
tears of confusion,
tears of hate,
mixed among the rain
a drop for our dreams,
a drop for our promise;
a drop for the betrayal
and millions of others,
for the pain;
fell on the hard ground,
and burst.

for yourself, you left me.
and let me fall.
for your own dreams, you let go of mine,
and let me fall.
but thank you for teaching me,
that to stand tall,
in flight,
you have to let go;
and venture alone.

it's been along time since i last updated.
hmm.

so today i'm a tuition teacher! for my tuition teacher's friend's daughter.
the subject?
IQ.
cuz my teacher's friend is from china, so the student (or my student) is going to take an IQ test to get in a school. currently she takes some other classes and tuition. she's 11 this year. and yeah everything went smoothly, just some stuff she doesn't understand and i explain. no attitude problems (thank goodness) and they give me coke. i drank two cups!

and for two hours the fee was ____ which made me so freaking happy. i just realised how much i love money. (it wasn't that much, but still.)
oh well, i'll be tutoring her around four five more times? which is still cool.
hahaha.

whic hreminds me,
since i have time in the holidays (not really but) it's time to fill up my writing portfolio!
tune it for more writings of mine~

Alvin.R
Raffles Institution 1P'09 2P'10
Tao Nan School 4L'06 5K'07 6M'08
TRACKandFIELD - hurdles!
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