i'm tired.
i'm tired of it all. everything.

today i received my marked exam papers. math, chinese, english and geography. I'm really disappointed with myself. the marks isn't even failing expectations, it's unthinkable.

i'm tired of the high expectations, the competitive environment in which we students work hard in, to the extent which some suck up to teachers(smsing regularly, wtf?) just to get into RA; and the insane amount of bias teachers show when marking essays. i'm just going to forget it all. what's the point in this ridiculous game we all play.

i'm not going to rant as i did for the mid-years as it'll make me feel worse.

i'll just enjoy myself and be happy for a little while, at least two weeks. i'm not going to care about the marks, the superficial grade that is used to define who we are, and yet doesn't do so.

eoys are thankfully over!
and thus i shall revive all forms of social networking including facebooktwitterblogger!

and..

stay tuned!

i'm suddenly obsessed over snsd their album is out next wednesday :p
hahaha.

i don't update, and i probably won't anytime soon, cuz it's the sept holidays and i have tons of homework and mugging to do i won't even bother listing them out.

i wrote this for the literature showcase during assembly. it's like, 6.36am.. writing in the morning is pretty good for there's nobody awake to distract you.
-----

Tap, tap. Tap, tap.
w-oosh, w-oosh. w-oosh, w-oosh
Two loners,
It’s harmony between the leaves and footsteps,
Both drifting, swaying, hesitating;
Before falling on the unfriendly pavement.

He walks in the gate
Of heaven’s records
Heading straight for the one
Under the decaying Taxus
Whos leaves sheltered her granite bed,
When he was unable to do so.

He fought back the tears, yet
Blood was spilled on the roses gripped tight.
He took out the sepia photograph
And laid it on the ground.
For the way she looked would never change,
In his memories, dreams, and whenever he closed his eyes

The pain of regret burned inside,
Masking the cold graveyard chill
“wait for me,” he said
"Our broken promise can be mended”

No more roses would be placed then,
But his love would not wither;
The tree would be felled
So he could be buried next to her
But it didn’t matter;
For true love does not decay.

----
first draft.

haven't blogged in a month.

oh well, read title!

for the past... okay i don't know for a long time, all i've tasted is failure, failure, failure, and angst. For once, in a freaking long time! i've actually won! yay yay!

okay, so it's inter-house debates. on morrison(my house) we have clemont(non-debater), me(non debater), andrew chia and samuel teo (both u-14s team) 3 are allowed to speak per round and only two debaters allowed to speak each round. and so me and clemont are more of puppets being fed information by debaters. (but i came up with a few points!) last week, we lost both rounds due to some.. definition challenge fail. but today, (i got to spoke in both rounds!)

and we won both rounds!

first was against bayley. their team consister of lin qi, jedidiah, and gabriel wong. motion was: THW re-introduce chinese dialects in schools. 7 point margin!

next was against hullet. and hullet is scary. they have: kuan hian(best sec 2 debater), chinwee(u-14s team) and darrion(WSC which means debates!) and we were quite afraid of them, but somehow we won by a what, one and a half point margin? The adjudicator went about them advancing in their third speaker and that our arguments were consistently getting built upon. the motion was : THW pay terrorist groups to give up violence.

actually, we may not even be in the finals cuz we only have 2/4 wins. (there's a chance though) but hell, i'm really happy.

had a horrible nightmare yesterday night. and i thought sleeping early would help..
i dreamt that i was in.. the mountains. at night. alone. it was dark everywhere and right in front of me was just white snow, no trees, no nothing. it was so freaking, scary. i'm sorry my inferior descriptive abilities can't paint the picture, but there was only despair in the nightmare. i just kept walking on and on with no knowledge on where to go, no food, no nothing. one of the most scary nightmares ever.

then after a while i woke up. phew.

ah well, cheered up more in school today, thanks to my randomly funny classmates.

it's ten.
i hope i can sleep the angst off.

this post will be full of angst. and thus, swear words. so, don't blame me for any shock, any... losses?(what, parents look over your shoulder and see a flood of vulgarities) and any change in your mood.
--


--


-


-


-



-
first day of school. hell, everyone hates it. so.

and we're getting back our exam papers.

geography was. pathetic. but still okay.
math was shit. seven marks careless.
science was... mediocre.
chinese. was. so bloody fucked up.

geog.. it was really stupid. days before the exam, i actually bothered to mug, like.. i don't know, really. come back home straight away mug till night, so it's around.. four hours? plus minus.(all subjects)

memorising statistics, revising concepts, looking through old papers to avoid mistakes, memorising essay structures, comparing to model essays, etc. spammage of mindmaps.(around like, five pages worth) and then 28.5/40. this, is shit. average is higher. essay 11/15 and paper 17.5/25.
for essay, i just can't freaking understand, why certain.. concepts, reason consequence have to be so elaborately explained. i mean, sometimes it's redundant to overelaborate and so i jsut shorten it. and thus, there's the carrot in between the sentence and a question mark. like what the fuck do you want, retarded examiner i write mroe you say overelaboration you say it's like notes I CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE YOU DUMBASS unless you're underestimating the whole singapore population to not be able to understand MODUS PONENS, IF P, THEN Q. P. THEREFORE Q. THEN WHY THE FUCK MUST I ELABORATE FURTHER? all i see is red lines streaming across underlining my sentences.
forgive me for being so very blunt.
no, really.
hell. fine, partially it's my fault. statistics just went out of my head and.. it's just so frustrating. that you can't do a thing about it. that.. helplessness.

moving on.

math.
seven marks careless.
i was rushing for time, and so yeah.
sigh.
math teacher said it was a hard paper anyway.

science.
nothing much. just forgot some part of the concept. just.. could've done better. (kawin got full marks. for science.)

chinese.
i.. really won't post my results here.but i passed. if you wanna know just message me or ask me personally.
oh, i got lowest in class. when my chinese standard isn't. i'm like, below average but... lowest? that's so darn.. screwed.

i did spend alot of time studying chinese, it being my worst subject. memorising ci yu, cheng yu, stuffs. and yet i minused four marks. fuck. it really puts me off the way i study and i not get it right. it's just memorising. and yet it didn't come out. yeah i think you'd understand.
then i just flunked the rest la.
i'm too tired to explain how and why. but reasons are stupid.

and with these fucked up results it absolutely ruined my day. the angst is so much that my brain was really tired. and it is now, too.

i've realised i can find a thing i hate about every fucking single thing, object, being on this planet.

i've realised that when i was in that state, not a positive thought came out. for the whole of school. like, hell i tried to smile and laugh but after a while i just couldn't be bothered. fake smiles will do.

i don't know about you, but when i'm really, really, upset and angry, if you took a little peek in my mind, i'm sure you'd die.

die, you fucking spider in the boys toilet.
die, you damn ant who keeps tickling my legs.
die, the plant which i never fail to brush past and leave me with some itches.
die, shitty good-for-nothing mosquito.
die, stupid pillar which i crashed into headfirst accidentally.
die, fucking heavy bag.
die, retarded uncle who blocked my way on the escalator although i said "excuse me" loudly and made me miss the freaking train. i hate that feeling of almost grasping something but letting it slip away.

just die.


and the shit thing is, i can't dispense all the hate and angst, cuz if i do, it won't be good, i'd just end up with more. and thus i have to just ignore it. which pisses me off more. which doesn't make sense. you don't either. the teacher doesn't either. the goddamn school doesn't either. life, doesn't make sense either.

i don't know why i wrote this blog post, but if you're reading this then you'll probably think that i'm going insane.

well i'm not, you fool. i exercise self control unlike some insensitive bastards in my class who pms and get into fights over nothing and end up getting the whole fucked up class in trouble.

fools.

i wish i could highlight all that i've written, all the angst in my brain, and click "Delete".
-----------------
and again, forgive my bluntness.

Alvin.R
Raffles Institution 1P'09 2P'10
Tao Nan School 4L'06 5K'07 6M'08
TRACKandFIELD - hurdles!
Networks:
twitter || facebook || blogskins || site